A lot of things have happened to me in the past week, and I feel like I have all this emotion wanting to burst from me, and I don't know what to do with it. I want to scream at everyone, I want to get in the fetal position and cry my eyes out. I want to buck up and do what I need to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start.
I feel, for the first time, that I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do. I moved out of Mom and Dad's house. Did I want to leave? Of course not. I loved it there; it's home, and it always will be. Did I need to leave? Yes. While Mom was never outwardly mean or nasty towards me or AB, I could tell our presence there was taking its toll. She wasn't sleeping well at night, but was constantly tired. I saw her take a nap after getting home from work for the first time ever. Maybe she was just tired, maybe I'm just reading into things. I don't know.
I really believe that God wanted me to move out of the house. I believe that He's telling me that in order to achieve what I need/want to achieve in my life, I need to put my big girl panties on and live my own life. I need to get out and experience the real world without Mommy and Daddy to guide me and make my decisions for me. And now that I've made what I consider to be the hardest move, I'm impatient. I want to get my own apartment NOW. Like Yesterday. And I may be wrong, but I believe that if God is pushing me to do this, that He will make it happen quickly. At least, that's what I hope.
I left one week ago yesterday. I've been to back home twice, and both times, had tears running down my cheeks the whole time I was there. I'm crying now. I've been an absolute basket case. I was fine last Sunday. All hell broke loose when I called Mom on Sunday night, on my way to work, and she was in a great mood. It was a kick in the gut. Why doesn't she miss me? Why aren't they asking me to come home? To know that I made her that unhappy makes me feel like the worst daughter on the planet. Why didn't she say anything? Why didn't I see it? Would I have acknowledged it had I seen it? I went over there on Friday after work to drop something off, and went into "my" room. AB's vitamins where in there. The storage cart I had in the bathroom is in there. I knew they would be, because she asked me if it was OK, but it doesn't make it any easier to see. Does she want me out of her hair that much?
I've talked to Mom a couple of times, and every time, she knows something is wrong. I try to tell her how miserable I am without making her feel bad about "kicking me out" (her words, not mine), and I fail every time. She tries to tell me that I NEED this, for my sanity as well as hers, without making me feel like she couldn't wait for me to leave, and she fails every time. Tonight after Bible Study (which Robin invited me to, and I felt like I had to call Mom and ask her permission to attend), Mom and I had a good conversation. I cried, of course, and she told me she did miss me. She told me that it was time for me to be my own woman. That it was time for me to get out on my own, get my life in order and find a man that can put up with me. Turns out, we were both feeling the same things, I just wanted her to miss me as much as I miss her. Which, apparently, she does. Made me feel about 75% better.
The next question is, totally unrelated, about my job. More specifically, what am I going to do about the job (that I really do love) after I get a place of my own? I will not be utilizing Johnna or Mom once I'm out on my own. I will be contacting NOCAC and getting assistance in finding a babysitter for AB. The only problem is, my work schedule is so scattered. First, Second, Third, sometimes all in one week. Right now, that's not a problem. But once I have someone watching AB that isn't as flexible as my boss sometimes likes me to be, what do I do? Maybe God wants me to get another job? That would really suck because I love most of the people I work with and I love most of the people I interact with. Maybe God will create a situation at work that will allow me to have a more regular schedule? I was working on 2nd only for a few years. But once AB starts school, there's no way I can work second during the week. With me living at Johnnas and no Niny for AB to hound, her and I have gotten so close! I don't want that to change. My boss relies on me for so much, i don't want to disappoint her.
Wow. Guess I let it all come out. If you read that whole thing....thank you. and I'm sorry you had to endure all of it. lol Comments welcome. :-)
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Seriously - All Of Them?
I am a "friend" of YesFM on Facebook. This last weekend was their share-a-thon. They had posted that whomever would give a minimum amount of money would get a $25 Gift Certificate to a local tattoo shop. People went nuts! "God says not to harm our bodies" Everyone said. It got me thinking, how am I (a theoretically new Christian) supposed to know which rules were "normal for that time" and which we are to follow even now no questions asked. This is what I came up with:
I think that through the years, the Bible has been used to ones own advantage. You don't want your kid to be gay, "you can't - the Bible forbids it." Which isn't a lie. Leviticus 18 says, "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable." No argument there.
However - there are things that were done back then that we wouldn't think of doing now. For instance, Lev. 20:10 says 'If a man commits adultery with another man's wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.' Not good. We certainly wouldn't do that - half the population would be dead, then where would we be?
I think that through the years, parents have used the Bible to their own advantage. It's not right, but when I say that, I'm not really willing to make an example of myself and do what Lev. 18:4 says: "You must obey my laws and be careful to follow my decrees. I am the LORD your God." No siree - no thank you.
But seriously - if we obey one, we must obey them all, right? That is what he tells us to do! I have read on the internet (which I know is so awesomely reliable) that things were put in the Bible because back then, people wouldn't do something unless they were told it came from God, even if it would for their own good. For instance, Jews don't eat pork. The Bible says they are unclean. They were back then - they had no way of preserving them. The Bible says not to defile your bodies with tattoos and the such. The ink they used back then was highly toxic, and because no one would listen unless it came from God, they stuck it in there with everything else.
So...I'm confused. There is someone I know that says gay people, even if they are devout Christians, aren't really saved because their "gayness" (Like it's a disease) is a blatant disobey-ment (does disobey have a noun form?) Of God's word. Well, that's just wonderful. I like to drink. I like to drink, and I like to get drunk. I don't do it very often, but when I do, I do it well. Does that means I don't believe? I have a tattoo (Hey! so does he!). Does that mean we are both non believers? How can one be expected to decifer what is relavent and what's not? And who makes that call? And who died and made them boss? Cuz seriously....I though Jesus died, and that made HIM boss. Right?
I think that through the years, the Bible has been used to ones own advantage. You don't want your kid to be gay, "you can't - the Bible forbids it." Which isn't a lie. Leviticus 18 says, "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable." No argument there.
However - there are things that were done back then that we wouldn't think of doing now. For instance, Lev. 20:10 says 'If a man commits adultery with another man's wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.' Not good. We certainly wouldn't do that - half the population would be dead, then where would we be?
I think that through the years, parents have used the Bible to their own advantage. It's not right, but when I say that, I'm not really willing to make an example of myself and do what Lev. 18:4 says: "You must obey my laws and be careful to follow my decrees. I am the LORD your God." No siree - no thank you.
But seriously - if we obey one, we must obey them all, right? That is what he tells us to do! I have read on the internet (which I know is so awesomely reliable) that things were put in the Bible because back then, people wouldn't do something unless they were told it came from God, even if it would for their own good. For instance, Jews don't eat pork. The Bible says they are unclean. They were back then - they had no way of preserving them. The Bible says not to defile your bodies with tattoos and the such. The ink they used back then was highly toxic, and because no one would listen unless it came from God, they stuck it in there with everything else.
So...I'm confused. There is someone I know that says gay people, even if they are devout Christians, aren't really saved because their "gayness" (Like it's a disease) is a blatant disobey-ment (does disobey have a noun form?) Of God's word. Well, that's just wonderful. I like to drink. I like to drink, and I like to get drunk. I don't do it very often, but when I do, I do it well. Does that means I don't believe? I have a tattoo (Hey! so does he!). Does that mean we are both non believers? How can one be expected to decifer what is relavent and what's not? And who makes that call? And who died and made them boss? Cuz seriously....I though Jesus died, and that made HIM boss. Right?
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
On My Own
This last August, I have been divorced a year. I've been out of love with TJ for a long time before that. I don't know when it happened, but I do know that I woke up one day, saw that he was on the computer all night again, and told him I was leaving. I came back a week later (cuz I hated living with my sister...and he had my new washer!), but then kicked him out a little while after that.
I hate seeing him. I hate the sight of him, the smell of him. I hate everything about him. I don't know if this is me holding a grudge, or if I just haven't dealt the with emotions involving what we went through. In the words of my favorite band, Framing Hanley, "In your eyes I thought i saw tomorrow. Now all I see is wasted time." I hate him for wasting my time.
I know now (cuz hindsight in 20/20) that he never really loved me like a man should love his wife. He loved the idea of me. He loved that I cooked supper, and did his dishes, and washed his clothes. When he was in the Marine Corps, he loved that I made sure he was up every morning, and made sure the sleeves on his camis were rolled, and his dress uniforms were pressed nice and neat when they needed to be. I know, without a doubt that he wasn't in love with me. A person that is in love with someone does not do the things he did to me, and put me through the things he did. I won't go into details, cuz I know it's old news, but it's all part of the lead up.
I know, without a doubt that I was very much in love with him. There were times when I couldn't breathe when he was around I loved him so much. On the rare occasion that he would come to bed with me, I would lay and stare at him, and just cry because of the overwhelming feelings I had for him.
When I was starting to realize that I didn't love him anymore I began to pray. Not just pray, but pray FEVERISHLY. I have a whole notebook of prayers that I prayed. I told God I didn't care one way or the other. If I was supposed to be with TJ, then i was going to make it work if it killed me. If I wasn't supposed to be with him, then I had aboslutely no problem getting my butt out of there. I just needed to know what he wanted me to do. I feel like he let me down, horribly.
I feel like he left me to figure it out on my own. That is best way I can think of to relay the abandonment I felt. I felt zero God presence in my life at that time. I felt like I was writing to paper, and I felt like I was talking to air. When I listened to Christian music, I didn't feel overcome with emotion, when I listened to my favorite people sing at church, i didn't cry like I always do. I felt like he left me to figure it out on my own.
Eventually I divorced TJ, obviously. I really hope God's not up there basking in his own glory, because I really feel like he had nothing to do with it. I'm so ANGRY with him, I still don't know what to do. The kool-aid thing again. I feel like if i forgive him and forget the abadonment I felt, then he'll be up there laughing like "haha I got ya!" and I'll be in the same postion i was with TJ. I forgave and forgot so many times and things, that I cannot even begin to name them.
I want to feel the love that God has for me. The only reason I know God has love for me is because Pastor Jeff says he does - not because of anything he's done in my life. I've never had something happen and immediately thought, "well thank you, God! I know that was you working there!" I'd really like to...
I hate seeing him. I hate the sight of him, the smell of him. I hate everything about him. I don't know if this is me holding a grudge, or if I just haven't dealt the with emotions involving what we went through. In the words of my favorite band, Framing Hanley, "In your eyes I thought i saw tomorrow. Now all I see is wasted time." I hate him for wasting my time.
I know now (cuz hindsight in 20/20) that he never really loved me like a man should love his wife. He loved the idea of me. He loved that I cooked supper, and did his dishes, and washed his clothes. When he was in the Marine Corps, he loved that I made sure he was up every morning, and made sure the sleeves on his camis were rolled, and his dress uniforms were pressed nice and neat when they needed to be. I know, without a doubt that he wasn't in love with me. A person that is in love with someone does not do the things he did to me, and put me through the things he did. I won't go into details, cuz I know it's old news, but it's all part of the lead up.
I know, without a doubt that I was very much in love with him. There were times when I couldn't breathe when he was around I loved him so much. On the rare occasion that he would come to bed with me, I would lay and stare at him, and just cry because of the overwhelming feelings I had for him.
When I was starting to realize that I didn't love him anymore I began to pray. Not just pray, but pray FEVERISHLY. I have a whole notebook of prayers that I prayed. I told God I didn't care one way or the other. If I was supposed to be with TJ, then i was going to make it work if it killed me. If I wasn't supposed to be with him, then I had aboslutely no problem getting my butt out of there. I just needed to know what he wanted me to do. I feel like he let me down, horribly.
I feel like he left me to figure it out on my own. That is best way I can think of to relay the abandonment I felt. I felt zero God presence in my life at that time. I felt like I was writing to paper, and I felt like I was talking to air. When I listened to Christian music, I didn't feel overcome with emotion, when I listened to my favorite people sing at church, i didn't cry like I always do. I felt like he left me to figure it out on my own.
Eventually I divorced TJ, obviously. I really hope God's not up there basking in his own glory, because I really feel like he had nothing to do with it. I'm so ANGRY with him, I still don't know what to do. The kool-aid thing again. I feel like if i forgive him and forget the abadonment I felt, then he'll be up there laughing like "haha I got ya!" and I'll be in the same postion i was with TJ. I forgave and forgot so many times and things, that I cannot even begin to name them.
I want to feel the love that God has for me. The only reason I know God has love for me is because Pastor Jeff says he does - not because of anything he's done in my life. I've never had something happen and immediately thought, "well thank you, God! I know that was you working there!" I'd really like to...
Sunday, November 1, 2009
So, A Little Background
I have been saved since I was about 8 or 9. My parents divorced when I was 2, my big brother (my one and only) died when I was 5, and the series of unfortunate events kinda takes off from there. I remember my mom and I having a conversaion when I was 12 that I had been to more funerals (of IMMEDIATE family) than years I was old. When we talked about death and dying in Junior High, I was the one asked to answer questions because I was the only one who knew the answers. I knew what the death of a teammate did to a baseball team full of big strong high schoolers. I knew what a procession was, and I knew what they did to the body after it had died. I was very embarassed to be called on. Of course I didn't want to know about all these things, but I did. It didn't occur to me to blame God, or ask him what the heck he was thinking. I just went with the flow, because that's what a 12 year old does when the rest of the family is walking around in the trance wondering who's gonna bite the big one next.
When I was a teenager, I was a Sunday morning, Wednesday evening type of Christian. It was "darn it!" and "phoey!" during those times. On Youth Sunday I would give speeches, testimony, and participate in skits. Other times, especially at school and out with my friends on Friday and Saturday night, I was a totally different person. I would (and still can very eloquently) put the F word in the middle of words, I cheated my way through Algebra I and II, and had sex with a couple of boys (not at the same time, and I ended up marrying one of them so back off).
Into my adult years, my faith became a little bigger part of "me." I got into a couple Christian bands, and even went to a couple of churchs in NC with a friend I made down there (If you know anything about me and know how shy I am, you know how big of a deal this is). I was an every-so-often prayer. I was all about my faith when I needed it to work for me, and didn't even think about it when it interferred with what I wanted to do. When I was pregnant, I prayed A LOT. Annabelle was more than a surprise and I had no one in NC to help me and/or talk to. When is an epsiotomy? I can't have sex for how long? What in God's name is a mucas plug, and it looked like - what did you say? *GAG* (Mom's know what I'm talking about.)
My mom said she prayed. My dad said he prayed and I certainly prayed. Annabelle turned out to be the most beautiful well-behaved baby every. Was that God or good genes? Who knows? She's beautiful and that's all that matters to me.
I'm 23 right now, and I am really struggling with what I should do with my faith. Where it stands in my life, what side of the fence I want/need to be on. I want nothing more than to jump head-first (heart-first?) into it. However, I can't shake the feeling that if I do I'm drinking the kool-aid. I know that I believe with all my heart what the Bible teaches, however I have a hard time believing some of the stories in it. Am I really to believe that a man lived inside a whale for 3 days? Didn't he get partially digested? Didn't the whale have to burp? Something? There are things that happen to the people around me and they say, "Praise God! That's the Lord working right there!" and all i can think is "was it?" Are you sure it wasn't the circumstances, or just the way things worked out? I know ddep-hearted Christian people will say, "But God put those circumstances to pass." We can go round and round like that all day, but that's not where I'm going with this.
That's enough for today. I'm sure I will come back to this every so often, and I hope those that enjoyed reading my ramblings enjoyed it, too.
-Tonya
When I was a teenager, I was a Sunday morning, Wednesday evening type of Christian. It was "darn it!" and "phoey!" during those times. On Youth Sunday I would give speeches, testimony, and participate in skits. Other times, especially at school and out with my friends on Friday and Saturday night, I was a totally different person. I would (and still can very eloquently) put the F word in the middle of words, I cheated my way through Algebra I and II, and had sex with a couple of boys (not at the same time, and I ended up marrying one of them so back off).
Into my adult years, my faith became a little bigger part of "me." I got into a couple Christian bands, and even went to a couple of churchs in NC with a friend I made down there (If you know anything about me and know how shy I am, you know how big of a deal this is). I was an every-so-often prayer. I was all about my faith when I needed it to work for me, and didn't even think about it when it interferred with what I wanted to do. When I was pregnant, I prayed A LOT. Annabelle was more than a surprise and I had no one in NC to help me and/or talk to. When is an epsiotomy? I can't have sex for how long? What in God's name is a mucas plug, and it looked like - what did you say? *GAG* (Mom's know what I'm talking about.)
My mom said she prayed. My dad said he prayed and I certainly prayed. Annabelle turned out to be the most beautiful well-behaved baby every. Was that God or good genes? Who knows? She's beautiful and that's all that matters to me.
I'm 23 right now, and I am really struggling with what I should do with my faith. Where it stands in my life, what side of the fence I want/need to be on. I want nothing more than to jump head-first (heart-first?) into it. However, I can't shake the feeling that if I do I'm drinking the kool-aid. I know that I believe with all my heart what the Bible teaches, however I have a hard time believing some of the stories in it. Am I really to believe that a man lived inside a whale for 3 days? Didn't he get partially digested? Didn't the whale have to burp? Something? There are things that happen to the people around me and they say, "Praise God! That's the Lord working right there!" and all i can think is "was it?" Are you sure it wasn't the circumstances, or just the way things worked out? I know ddep-hearted Christian people will say, "But God put those circumstances to pass." We can go round and round like that all day, but that's not where I'm going with this.
That's enough for today. I'm sure I will come back to this every so often, and I hope those that enjoyed reading my ramblings enjoyed it, too.
-Tonya
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