Where Do I Even Start?

A lot of things have happened to me in the past week, and I feel like I have all this emotion wanting to burst from me, and I don't know what to do with it. I want to scream at everyone, I want to get in the fetal position and cry my eyes out. I want to buck up and do what I need to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start.

I feel, for the first time, that I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do. I moved out of Mom and Dad's house. Did I want to leave? Of course not. I loved it there; it's home, and it always will be. Did I need to leave? Yes. While Mom was never outwardly mean or nasty towards me or AB, I could tell our presence there was taking its toll. She wasn't sleeping well at night, but was constantly tired. I saw her take a nap after getting home from work for the first time ever. Maybe she was just tired, maybe I'm just reading into things. I don't know.

I really believe that God wanted me to move out of the house. I believe that He's telling me that in order to achieve what I need/want to achieve in my life, I need to put my big girl panties on and live my own life. I need to get out and experience the real world without Mommy and Daddy to guide me and make my decisions for me. And now that I've made what I consider to be the hardest move, I'm impatient. I want to get my own apartment NOW. Like Yesterday. And I may be wrong, but I believe that if God is pushing me to do this, that He will make it happen quickly. At least, that's what I hope.

I left one week ago yesterday. I've been to back home twice, and both times, had tears running down my cheeks the whole time I was there. I'm crying now. I've been an absolute basket case. I was fine last Sunday. All hell broke loose when I called Mom on Sunday night, on my way to work, and she was in a great mood. It was a kick in the gut. Why doesn't she miss me? Why aren't they asking me to come home? To know that I made her that unhappy makes me feel like the worst daughter on the planet. Why didn't she say anything? Why didn't I see it? Would I have acknowledged it had I seen it? I went over there on Friday after work to drop something off, and went into "my" room. AB's vitamins where in there. The storage cart I had in the bathroom is in there. I knew they would be, because she asked me if it was OK, but it doesn't make it any easier to see. Does she want me out of her hair that much?

I've talked to Mom a couple of times, and every time, she knows something is wrong. I try to tell her how miserable I am without making her feel bad about "kicking me out" (her words, not mine), and I fail every time. She tries to tell me that I NEED this, for my sanity as well as hers, without making me feel like she couldn't wait for me to leave, and she fails every time. Tonight after Bible Study (which Robin invited me to, and I felt like I had to call Mom and ask her permission to attend), Mom and I had a good conversation. I cried, of course, and she told me she did miss me. She told me that it was time for me to be my own woman. That it was time for me to get out on my own, get my life in order and find a man that can put up with me. Turns out, we were both feeling the same things, I just wanted her to miss me as much as I miss her. Which, apparently, she does. Made me feel about 75% better.

The next question is, totally unrelated, about my job. More specifically, what am I going to do about the job (that I really do love) after I get a place of my own? I will not be utilizing Johnna or Mom once I'm out on my own. I will be contacting NOCAC and getting assistance in finding a babysitter for AB. The only problem is, my work schedule is so scattered. First, Second, Third, sometimes all in one week. Right now, that's not a problem. But once I have someone watching AB that isn't as flexible as my boss sometimes likes me to be, what do I do? Maybe God wants me to get another job? That would really suck because I love most of the people I work with and I love most of the people I interact with. Maybe God will create a situation at work that will allow me to have a more regular schedule? I was working on 2nd only for a few years. But once AB starts school, there's no way I can work second during the week. With me living at Johnnas and no Niny for AB to hound, her and I have gotten so close! I don't want that to change. My boss relies on me for so much, i don't want to disappoint her.

Wow. Guess I let it all come out. If you read that whole thing....thank you. and I'm sorry you had to endure all of it. lol Comments welcome. :-)